fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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