ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Please don't give away my fajitas
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