I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
