I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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