Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize