shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
