why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
