I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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