My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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