We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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