you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
