now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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