just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
