You smell like a Billy Joel song
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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