I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize