Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Randomize
