You can't special order awesome
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
