he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
