I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
