a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
