dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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