Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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