Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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