My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
