This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
