glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
