I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize