I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
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