how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
