Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Randomize
