I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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