Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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