I like to think it a success when the cops are called
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
