that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
