did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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