u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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