The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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