The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
