dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
