don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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