News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
