last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
