He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
