you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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