We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
