The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
