Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize