Ambien. No doubt about it.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
