"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
