now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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