Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I see more hoeing in ur future
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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