I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
