No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
