I think I died a long time ago.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
