He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
