yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Success! We fucked roommates!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
